Awakenings
24
November
D

It’s been quite awhile. It’s been quite awhile for a number of things. Playing, sex, spankings, training, relationships, balance, intimacy, sharing, happiness…

I’m the type of person that goes to one extreme or the other. I try not to, but it always seems to happen. The best analogy I can think of is a light switch. Either I’m on or off, there’s not a dimmer that can be dialed to the middle. My goal in life is to have that dimmer… a balance between on and off.

I had  a couple of events transpired during and after the SL party that left me questioning if the lifestyle and my kinky ways were something I wanted to continue with and if it was really for me. I’m not going to get into details here, but suffice to say that they weren’t earth shattering, but enough to rattle my cage. So, as usual, I swung the pendulum to the other side and shut down completely.

This weekend I had the opportunity to have girls weekend with Sandy / Miss Cassandra ( This Cat Is Crazy / Ms Cassandra Park). She flew out from NY and I met her in LA. It was a great time. Got to meet new people in the scene and try some new experiences. The weekend was filled with a mixture of vanilla (movies, Venice beach, having lunch / dinner with like minded friends) and kink (a visit to a dungeon named “The Lair” & a spanking party – details to be covered in separate posts). And all in all a great time.

The best part was that I was able to talk to someone that wasn’t vanilla. Someone I could completely open up to and know I’m not going to be judged. I finally felt something inside of me that’s been dormant, wake up and feel alive again.

I realized that interests ebb and flow, but deep down, this is indeed who I am. That I need to be aware and stand up for myself when necessary, and at the proper times, with the right person, just let go. Don’t blame myself for things that might have happened or may have been misinterpreted. Just be honest and move forward.

So thanks Sandy, for being my kink shrink this weekend. You’re the best. I hope you had as good of time as I did!

Category: friends, trust  One Comment
Party Animal
07
September
D

G and I attended our first spanking party last year (Shadow Lane 2008 ). So when we made plans for this year we were a little more prepared for what to expect, and in turn our nervousness and apprehension was almost non-existent. In fact we decided that we would host a suite party this time around. G came up with the idea of a couples party. He even came up with a great “ice breaker” game and it turned out to be a hit. But more on that later….

When G and I attended the party last year our relationship was brand spanking new (pun intended) and living together.  I was very apprehensive about playing with others, jealousy, guilt and being touched inappropriately by someone being the main motivators.  Thanks to Rad, Sandy and a very intense role play scene with G, I was put at ease. (More on this scene).

This year I didn’t have any private scenes this time around but played at suite parties. I admit I’m a bit of a ham and exhibitionist and the suite parties made me feel comfortable and enjoyed every minute of it.

The first suite party was hosted by a great couple, G & L. I was quickly part of a spanking conga line trying out a new industrial sized rice stirring paddle.  Then I had a memorable OTK session from Larry Selden (one of my favorites featured in Shadow Lane spanking videos) while G took Chelsea Pfeiffer over his knee. Since the theme was “Back to School” I decided that a traditional cheerleader’s outfit would fit the bill. It turned out to be a hit (pun again intended.) Larry quickly took a roll of Vice Principle and scolded me for misbehaving during a cheerleader practice. “I accidentally on purpose dropped the top girl on the pyramid. I was supposed to be on top!” I LOVE role play.

Later that evening at another party I was over C’s knee (aka “Mr Overtheknee”) while his wife was over G’s. I couldn’t stop laughing! I was having so much fun and couldn’t wrap my brain  around how cool it was to watch G spank someone else while I was being spanked myself! Of course all that laughing led to a harder lesson to learn regarding taking punishment more seriously. G would sternly tell C’s wife “the more D laughs, the harder you’re going to get it!” And of course, I would then have to laugh even harder. It’s amazing how quickly bottoms will sell each other out; “No, she did it, not me!” Apparently we ended up with an audience with applause no less!

This was all on Friday evening. We ended up going to bed around 1:30am with smiles on both our faces.

More to come…

Category: Uncategorized  2 Comments
Garbage in, garbage out.
12
August
D

In other words, I’m a firm believer in what you put out into the Universe comes right back at you.

I’ve been filled with sadness and negativity and that’s what I’ve gotten in return. It’s so easy to fall into that rabbit hole and not want to climb out. For the past couple of days in particular, that dark hole was exactly where I wanted to stay.

Yesterday I finally talked myself into peeking out of the darkness and see a bit of light. It was the best thing I could have done. G and I had a wonderful date ending in a romantic candelit spanking and love session. I was finally able to let go and stop thinking so much.

I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to face the world.

Category: Spanking, grief, love, negativity  5 Comments
Cum, out, cum, out… where ever you are!
07
August
D

I have back home for 4 days and thought by now I would feel (for lack of a better term) “normal.”  Most surprising, my libido (which has understandably been in hibernation since the events of the past couple of weeks) has only now shown signs of life. I’ve looked at the Twitter feed, read some of my favorite blogs, even looked at some porn to try and jump start it.

G has been very patient and has taken it easy on me. Just a couple of light hand spankings and no “over the top” sex. I’ve only been able to orgasm once since we got back together last Saturday.

Maybe I’m trying too hard?

Category: Uncategorized  Leave a Comment
Reality sucks.
27
July
D

Have you ever noticed that when you are going along, minding your own kinky business, BAM! the vanilla world just loves to hit you in the gut and level you to the floor?

I haven’t posted in quite a while for just this very reason. Not to go into too much detail, suffice to say that my best friend’s husband of 14 years died suddenly a week and a half ago. It was a freak accident. He died too young and way too soon.

Within the hour I found out I booked a plane ticket to be with her. It wasn’t even a question of if I should go, I knew I must. I have been with her ever since. I have to say it hasn’t been easy, but I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.

Being this close to someone who is grieving on a daily basis is mind altering. There isn’t any sense of routine or reality for that matter. Each moment I spend with her is a different experience. Sometimes laughing and the next, sobbing in despair and fear. Thanks to G, sending me various articles and writings on coping with the grief process, has helped me understand what I can do (or not do for that matter).

Events like this, tends to make one step back and evaluate their life. Where you’ve been… where you are going. I took some time today for the first time by myself to do just that.

I’ve never been a big “family” type of person. Any family I do have has either passed away or I don’t talk to any longer. So the “family” I’ve chosen to have around me and rely on are the friends I have surrounded myself with. A mixture of kinky and vanilla, I must say they are an amazing group of people. I am truly grateful that they can put up with my idiosyncrasies and me with theirs.

I will be heading home next week to get back into the daily routine. And I’m sure in a couple of days most of this experience will be pushed to the back of my brain. The one thought I hope doesn’t go away, or is forgotten, is that every moment is precious.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
— Hunter S. Thompson

Category: friends, grief, reality  2 Comments
The Whole Foods Spanking
20
June
D

I am trying my best to “go green.”  I recycle diligently, I try not to drive anywhere unnecessarily (I do own a Mustang GT, I have a weakness for muscle cars), I’m paperless on all of my bills, and I have a collection of cloth bags for the grocery store.

The latter is my problem…  I always forget to bring the bags with me to the store.  I have requested that G help me with remembering by delivering a disciplinary spanking every time I do. Today I forgot the bags. And even worse, G was there with me to remind me of what I forgot.

As I sit bare ass on my office chair writing this post after receiving 75 strokes (1 for each $ I spent at the store) my guess is that I will remember the cloth bags next time. The environment will appreciate it and so will my bottom.

Category: Uncategorized  3 Comments
Too Much of a Good Thing
10
June
D

Or

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

When G and I first started living together and figured out that; Hey! We can do this spanking / making love thing all day long if we want to! And we did. It was wonderful.

Then, one time, about 6 months into our relationship, G bent me over the bed, it hit me like a brick wall. My first thought wasn’t “oooh yeah!” It was “ok, let’s get this over with so I can get back to work.”

Sad. Our spankings & love making had became commonplace. It was no longer “special.”

The decision was finally made it would be best if we lived apart, but continue to date.

Ever since that decision, a familiar spark started to ignite again. G and I started to communicate and share things that hadn’t been there in months. I started feel that same sensation of “oooh yeah!”

Then we both confessed that the Dom/Sub scenario intrigued us and it was something we both wanted to try.

After our first initial training session last Thursday, I could not wait to wear G’s collar once again. The feeling I had was just like the same euphoric sensation that rippled through me  when G and I first got together. All day Friday I teased that I was “available” for another session that evening.

For the next two nights G placed the collar once more around my neck. This time the sessions were not as intense but just as satisfying.

When G came over the next evening (Sunday), I was wondering if he was up for another session. I have to admit a little part of me was disappointed when the answer was no. But I know deep down inside it was the right thing to do. It’s very tempting to follow the same path as we did before.

The one thing I want to avoid is that this and our other activities once again become commonplace. They always need to be special and appreciated.

Category: collar, dom / sub, session, special  2 Comments
Pleasure and Respect
05
June
D

Last night met and exceeded any pre-concieved or anticipated notions I had about being collared.

Although I have discussed and played around with the idea with other men in my life, the actual act never transpired for one reason or another.

I think the thing that moved me the most was just how much time and effort G had put into the evening. He spent two days planning and researching. It made me want to please and do my best for for him. Which when it comes down to it, that’s what this particular type of relationship is all about; reciprocation of pleasure and respect.

I had been sent instructions before the day before. I had such a good time cooking and getting the house ready precisely following his direction.

I had bought a very nice bottle of French Champagne, we toasted to our future and then he placed the collar around my neck. A shiver when up my spine and I was immediately wet. It’s almost that same feeling as when I’m being bent over to receive a spanking, but more intense.

He then went over the ground rules of his expectations of me anytime I am wearing the collar. All of which I accepted (G gave me the opportunity to discuss or question any of them I wished, but after that, I had no choice in the matter).

The most difficult rule to comply with was no eye contact (he has gorgeous eyes). I was feeling such a connection and love for him, I wanted to look into his eyes. I did slip once, and in turn was swiftly delt a firm spanking over the kitchen counter.

One surprise was when he efficiently bound my wrists and ankles in a beautiful Japanese knot. I had been tied up before, but not like this. It was comfortable, but I was not going anywhere!

Some highlights of the evening:

  • various hard OTK spankings
  • 3 sets of clothing changes (first; schoolgirls uniform, second; apron and a smile, third; corset, silk stockings and CFMP’s)
  • self pleasure with the express instructions not to cum
  • hard strapping and paddling
  • being probed, inspected and aroused while blindfolded
  • keeping G aroused throughout the evening

The evening ended with me finally being allowed to cum. Twice. The collar was then removed and we sat naked in front of the fire, talking about how everything went.

All in all, a wonderful, loving, erotic, fulfilling evening. *heavy sigh*

One of the things we both agreed to, was that this is not role playing. It’s not a game as it were. We are both are serious regarding what the collar represents and symbolizes.

Category: Spanking, collar, dom / sub, pleasure, respect, submissive  6 Comments
Trust
04
June
D

Recently, G and I watched “Story of O” together. It was the first time I’ve seen it. Yes, it was a bit dated and the dubbing was awful (I prefer subtitles when viewing a foreign film). But it stirred something in me. Something I have always known that is a part of who I am.

What I still find fascinating, in the vanilla world, I’m a strong, independent, successful business woman. But there has always been this part of me that just wants to let go. Not to have to make any decisions and leave the driving to someone else.

It was with my ex husband I first explored BDSM. He introduced me to bondage and dominance. It was mostly tying up and using cuffs. No collar and nothing formal. At first I was very excited and enjoyed the experience immensely. It was about half way through our marriage that red flags started to be raised. He would often put his hands around my throat but did not choke me. Little by little he started to more and more put pressure until one time I actually feared for my life. I told him I didn’t like this, but he basically ignored my wishes. I then I found a very disturbing video clip on his computer. It was of a woman being suffocated with a plastic bag over her head.  He also had some hard core BDSM photos/videos. I also found out about other lies. Cheating, gambling, drinking, etc.

The trust was completely gone. And shortly thereafter, so was the marriage.

I learned quickly that trust is everything in relationship. And in particular, BDSM. I was a bit gun shy right after the marriage ended, but I refused to take the attitude that “all men are a-holes.” But my trust-o-meter was definitely pegged at “low.”

After my husband and I split up, I explored 2 or 3 other brief relationships. One in particular sparked the submissive in me and made me realize I could trust again. He also made me realize that there was a whole community of people just like me! But that indeed is another blog post…

I started to explore, finding countless blogs, articles on this very subject. Setting aside some time each night to “surf the net,” I was thrilled that there were throngs of people out there just like me! I also learned about how some live this life 24/7 and are very formal. Some are spankos and not into the BDSM life. Some have a “Taken In Hand” DD relationship. Some embrace and take a little from each of these (raises hand).

Tonight G and I are going to explore a formal Dom/Sub relationship. I love the idea of being “collared.” The ritual and all that goes with it just makes my head spin. But as I discovered with the DD relationship G and I had, I don’t think I would want this 24/7.  G has sent me my instructions for the evening. What time he will arrive and what he expects of me. We are going to start out slowly and see where it will take us.

I am very excited but trying not to anticipate too much. No matter what happens,  I am very happy to have a man that I can completely trust back in my life.

Category: collar, dom / sub, submissive, trust  Leave a Comment
The story continues…
02
June
D

If you would like to find out where this journey began, you must start with Loving Discipline. There you will find my mindset and where I met G.

With G, I found answers to these questions:

Spanking: is it something I would like as part of my every day life?

Is an HOH relationship the answer?

Is there someone out there I could explore these with?

I had just come out of a cheating, controlling, mind-playing 14 year marriage. I only had been on my own for 6 months before G and I connected. I hate to say that he was my “rebound guy” but in a way, he was. So hindsight being 20/20 maybe moving in together right away wasn’t the smartest thing, but I certainly don’t regret a minute of it. In fact, I’m very grateful.

I couldn’t have asked for a more gracious, loving man. G makes me feel intelligent, beautiful and desired. I love him dearly, but it was just not working the way we had both hoped and fantasized about. My biggest fear is that I was about to loose not only a lover and spanking partner, but most importantly, my best friend.

We now live in separate homes giving us a chance that we didn’t have before, to have time to ourselves. Our relationship is stronger than ever. We are dating. Living only 3 blocks from each other (something that was not planned at all, just happened that way) we are able to see each other when we want and then still have our own nests to go back to.

In the year that G and I lived together, I gained a new perspective on who I was and what my needs were. Yes, the questions above were answered, but it also brought to light new questions to be asked:

If not HOH, then what? I still desire guidance.

I love spankings and role playing but need more. Sexually I crave dominance. Is a Dom / Sub relationship my answer?

G and I have decided to explore more of the Dom/Sub relationship. G has bought a collar for me and we are setting one day a week for this purpose. Also, being that I have a bit of an ADD issue (Look! Sparklies!) and have trouble focusing sometimes, we have also agreed that I would probably benefit by setting some goals. If these goals are not met, I will accept the consequences (most likely a disciplinary spanking). If I do meet said goals, a reward awaits. And of course, playful, sensual spanking and role play will always be a part of who we are.

Category: HOH, Spanking, dom / sub, submissive  20 Comments