Story of D

My kink is gone. Vanished. Gone down some black hole not destined to emerge anytime soon.

My libido is non-existent. Nada. Dead.

These days I’m either extremely sad/depressed or happy and overjoyed. No in-between.  A veritable roller-coaster of emotions. Feeling like I’m going fucking insane.

My self-esteem is at the lowest it could ever be. When looking in the mirror (which I try to avoid at all costs these days), I just see an old, fat and ugly woman staring back.

When did all this happen? I can’t really put a date on it. But it did all come on rather suddenly.  It was like a switch was flipped and I realized I’m not the person I was, and will never be again. And that really pisses me off, because I really liked her.

Oh, did I mention the hot flashes and the cold sweats?

Yes, so it seems that I might be going through the evil that is Menopause. Being a woman “of a certain age” (I loathe that phrase – the hell with it, I’m 48), it seems the most likely of scenarios. I am told it might last a couple months to several years.

Great.

So while I’m going through this “period” (pun intended), I have decided at the beginning of the new year I will be discontinue my blog and be taking down my Fetlife profile. I haven’t done anything with either for a long time and honestly I’m not comfortable any longer with pics, etc. being online. Frankly, looking at them just depresses me even further.

There have been many wonderful people I have met through this part of my life and I am grateful for that. I hope I do not offend or make friends feel like I don’t care. I do. My problem is, I hardly have the energy these days to keep me going and I’ve got nothing left over for anything or anyone else.

The best person I have been blessed to have as part of my life is G. Through all this is has been a gentleman and much more understanding that I know I have ever would have been. That’s all I’ll say here, I’ll let him elaborate if he wishes. I just want him to know I am grateful and I do not take him at all for granted.

Hopefully with a new year, will come new realizations. I sure hope so. I don’t know how much longer I can take this insanity.

Day 3 – Tuesday, June 1

Up at 5:30am and hit the ground running and worked all day. Took a break mid-day for a girly manicure. Ended up working until 8pm. Nothing really accomplished in regards of packing or getting ready for FMS. One more day before we leave. Tomorrow is going to be a LONG day.

Day 4 – May 31

Holiday for some, work day for me. Was a very productive in regards to work. But didn’t get much done around the house.

I was able to clean the kitchen and cook a nice meal for G. We cuddled, enjoyed of a nice glass of wine and talked about who we wanted to play with at FMS. I was also the willing recipient to a nice tush rub. We were both yawning by 10:30pm, so we called it a night.

I enjoy times like this. It doesn’t have to be about sex/spanking everytime G and I get together. It’s so nice just to cuddle and enjoy each other’s company.

It was only a few short weeks ago that I was running around like a mad woman getting ready for Boardwalk Badness. I swore then I would get a head start on packing and getting ready for Florida Moonshine Tropical Beach party.

It’s six days before G and I leave. So here I go:

DAY 6

Laundry and house cleaning. Strangely enough, I’m looking forward to this being that I’m usually stuck in front of a computer for most of my day.

Also going to go clear out closet and dresser. Time to get rid of the old and in with the new!

G just wrote a great post on his blog that sums up what we’ve been up to for the past couple of months. So instead of me repeating the story here’s a link!

Loving Discipline: Where Have I Been?

Ever since the holiday season, vanilla life took over. Between work, family and health issues I had to put my social kink on the back burner. I tend to do this every now and then. Shut down one part of me so I can concentrate my energy elsewhere.

Unfortunately, by doing this, sometimes I loose touch with friends and people I really care about. And sometimes it’s taken the wrong way.

Life to has seemed to calmed down a bit, and finding that I have the energy and the strong desire to reconnect. G and I are about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary of finding each other through his blog. Next month we head to the East coast for Boardwalk Badness. This should be one hell of a party. Can’t wait to see everyone.

As I start to catch up, reading blogs and posts I realize just how much I miss this part of my life. I’ve been asked hypothetically could I ever go back to a vanilla type of relationship and life. My answer is absolutely not. This community and lifestyle is too much a part of who I am.

G and I attended our first spanking party last year (Shadow Lane 2008 ). So when we made plans for this year we were a little more prepared for what to expect, and in turn our nervousness and apprehension was almost non-existent. In fact we decided that we would host a suite party this time around. G came up with the idea of a couples party. He even came up with a great “ice breaker” game and it turned out to be a hit. But more on that later….

When G and I attended the party last year our relationship was brand spanking new (pun intended) and living together.  I was very apprehensive about playing with others, jealousy, guilt and being touched inappropriately by someone being the main motivators.  Thanks to Rad, Sandy and a very intense role play scene with G, I was put at ease. (More on this scene).

This year I didn’t have any private scenes this time around but played at suite parties. I admit I’m a bit of a ham and exhibitionist and the suite parties made me feel comfortable and enjoyed every minute of it.

The first suite party was hosted by a great couple, G & L. I was quickly part of a spanking conga line trying out a new industrial sized rice stirring paddle.  Then I had a memorable OTK session from Larry Selden (one of my favorites featured in Shadow Lane spanking videos) while G took Chelsea Pfeiffer over his knee. Since the theme was “Back to School” I decided that a traditional cheerleader’s outfit would fit the bill. It turned out to be a hit (pun again intended.) Larry quickly took a roll of Vice Principle and scolded me for misbehaving during a cheerleader practice. “I accidentally on purpose dropped the top girl on the pyramid. I was supposed to be on top!” I LOVE role play.

Later that evening at another party I was over C’s knee (aka “Mr Overtheknee”) while his wife was over G’s. I couldn’t stop laughing! I was having so much fun and couldn’t wrap my brain  around how cool it was to watch G spank someone else while I was being spanked myself! Of course all that laughing led to a harder lesson to learn regarding taking punishment more seriously. G would sternly tell C’s wife “the more D laughs, the harder you’re going to get it!” And of course, I would then have to laugh even harder. It’s amazing how quickly bottoms will sell each other out; “No, she did it, not me!” Apparently we ended up with an audience with applause no less!

This was all on Friday evening. We ended up going to bed around 1:30am with smiles on both our faces.

More to come…